Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Ramblings of a "lost" mind

I am sitting here at my desk having a conversation with my son Ryan. Boy have we come a long ways since the night of the spiders. He picked out a pack of spiders at the dollar store a couple of days ago and asked to see the spider that I had used on the "attack of the spiders" post and told me it was really cool. Have we turned a corner and can finally get over the spider phobia and be a typical boy?

He loves that the spider has red eyes, he likes that color a lot.

I am just glad to see him in a good mood finally. It has been over a week of him whining and crying, I actually started to think that I was losing my mind. I can only take so much whining before I blow, it is my greatest weakness. We have been learning about reverence at church for the past couple of weeks and how it is not just for church. I really want to "find" reverence in my life, but I truly find it elusive. I understand the time and season for everything and truly am grateful for the sister that shared that in R.S. It has helped me to not be so disappointed in myself, but I still desire to have peace and the end result quiet in my home. I know it has to begin with me and I have to change what is holding me back from that elusive peace. So, I get up each day and I TRY and with time I pray I can accomplish what I have set out to do.

This all sounds like a ramble as I try to sort out how to get my life back. I am not sure when I lost it, but I have felt so out of control for so long that I want me back. I sound completely nuts!!!! I have just spent some "real" time contemplating my life and finally staring it in the face, to realize that there is so much that I don't do to make it the way I want. Now is the time to get it together so my children can enjoy me and have good memories of childhood.


Will and Marcie Davis said...

ohhhhh angel.....you ARE an amazing mother. You know what I have come to realize?..... The only time my house is peaceful and quiet is when we are not in it!!!:) lol . Seriously though, Know that you are not alone and that EVERY mom beats herself up for not being able to live up to her "own" expectations. We all are too hard on ourselves. For me I just have to constantly remind myself that I will NEVER be that "PERFECT" Mom everyone says we should be. I will still try, but if the laundry isn't done, if I cant sew their Halloween costumes,can 50 qts of peaches, have a immaculate house, make gourmet meals, ect ect..... TOUGH CRAP!!! My goal in life is only to make sure my kids and husband KNOW I love them, and that no matter what, I am there for them. Now, that being said, there are days I want to leave my kids and drive off and not look back. :) I usually wind up hiding in the bathroom (or closet)for a few minutes reading the Ensign. (It helps me) Anyhow, I am so glad you shared how you were feeling. It makes the rest of us feel like we are not the only ones who have "off" days. :) I have always heard the quote, "No amount of success can compensate for failure in the home." I always thought they were talking about jobs, callings, ect. The other day while I was trying to can peaches and pears and my kids wanted attention that quote came to my head. It doesnt just mean jobs, it also means letting things like, trying to be the "pefect mom" get in the way. Your kids wont care that you canned 50 qts, but they will remember you making them pickle sandwitches and cutting them with cookie cutters so they make their favorite shapes, having movie time with umbrella's, sitting on the couch in the middle of the day in pj's eating popcorn in their "special bowls". YOU ARE AN AMAZING Mother! Dont ever think anything differant! I have always looked up to you and you have been such an example and inspiration to me! I love you and so do your BEAUTIFUL babies. You are doing an AMAZING job at raising them. Dont you forget that! You are an INCREDIBLE person and SO many people LOVE you!! Call me anytime! I am ALWAYS up late (Will is on night shifts-plus its my "alone" time) :) I LOVE YOU!!!!

Robin said...

Thanks Marcie. You are such a sweetheart. I will give you a call soon to chat for a while.

Will and Marcie Davis said...

Sorry! I didn't mean to write a novel!!!! :) lol

Shannon said...

I have always loved the story about the king who asked all of the great artists in his kingdom to paint "peace" for him. Some of the paintings showed sunsets, some forests - you get the idea. Calm, quiet pictures. But the one that the king chose was different - it showed a mother bird sitting in a nest on the edge of a mountain cliff, with a storm raging around her. The king chose it because real peace comes from within.
That is my goal - to feel peace despite the chaos of kids and life.
And I think you are great already!