Where have I been?

My life kind of turned inside out for a lot of years.  A lot of death...a lot of heartache...and a marriage that was slowly falling apart.  

It seemed at moments like the marriage could be saved, and then something would happen and great sadness would come over me.  I couldn't seem to shake it.  It seemed the more I became independent, the worse things were. Mr. Finn and I were always very different in how we handled most everything.  I became weary and I believe I gave up. Not a very heroic thing to do, but I feel it saved me from losing myself completely.

On June 10th, I moved out with the children and there is peace.

On September 11, the divorce was final and it surprised me that I felt great sorrow. Not that I don't want the divorce, but that it became what it did.  We were together 22 years...it's part of me and there is a mourning that comes with that.  I wouldn't change it, I have two wonderful children that keep me youngish.

Would I go back and change it?  Who wouldn't if they knew the outcome would be different?  I don't believe that "my" changing would have fixed it.  I believe we would still have reached this point...maybe not at this moment, but it would have come.

I haven't handled everything well.  I want time to breathe and I am not being given that and so I react  negatively sometimes and pull back.  I will figure it out...it will take time.