Sunday, November 8, 2009

A Perfect Day

Seventeen years ago I stood on the banks of Alaska looking out over the water, watching the tide ease out towards Japan, leaving the shoreline barren for over 1/4 mile. I had never seen anything like this. I have seen other beaches with tides ebb and flow, but never one that seemed to tip towards another continent.

As I stood there enjoying the magnitude of the tide flow, I looked over to my son, Kalani, running up and down the dock. We had found a common link between us that seemed to involve water and trains. We spent the day doing both of those things.

It felt like the perfect day.

That is the memory that I carry in my heart and mind of my "little" boy. Although it has been many years since I have seen him, this is always the way I picture him. I can't seem to imagine him as anything but this joyful, smiling boy. My "sweet cheeks". He used to grin from ear to ear when I would call him that. The cheeks that he sported were certainly worthy of this term of endearment.

I knew at this time that... I was his Mother. It was a title that was not easily won or earned, but at this time on the banks of Anchorage, I knew that we had formed a bond that was definable as mother and son.

Many years later that relationship was changed forever by decisions out of my control. And on a similar day that is vivid in my mind, I watched this boy walk out of my life and I was powerless to stop him. I mourned for the loss of my child because he was my SON.

Today I received a phone call from my daughter telling me that HE died.


...I didn't know what to feel.


Ang said...


I'm so sorry for you loss then and now. Please call or let me know if I can do anything for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
Much love!

Shannon said...

Oh, Robin, I am so sorry. Not having experienced anything like that, I don't know how to help... but I am praying for you and for your family. I hope that you will be blessed with peace and comforted.

Margaret in WV said...

You have a mother's heart. I keep remembering a promise I once received from God through the Holy Ghost. The joy will be as great as the pain. It ain't over yet. Love to you.

It broke my heart to read this.

Anonymous said...

Wow I am at a loss. He too is special to me, he was alot of fun when he lived with us. He had such a unique sense of humor. I too have missed him over the years and always think of him with fondness. From time to time his name comes up in conversations with the boys, they enjoyed hanging out with him. You are always in my prayers, just extra special today. Hugs

Anonymous said...

I would like to add my feelings to those of my mother shared on this same thread. I just received an email from her with the news. I'm heartbroken for you and your family Robin. Kalani and your family will be in my heart as I run this weekend <3

grandmadebbie said...

Robin, As i read your post my heart ached for you. I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight. Iam sorry for your lost.I will pray for you today to have a peace of mind and know that you will see him again.
Love you aunt debbie

Stacey said...

Robin-heard so much about Kalani on our walks and thru our years of friendship. I am sad for you and Nyoka. Children really can be our greatest joy and our greatest sorrow. I know he brought both into your life. Love you!

Enid said...

When I talked to you sunday you told me what you were writing but until I read it did I cry. I know this is hard and you don't know how to feel, but always remember that you are loved and always in my prayers. Love MomE

Will and Marcie Davis said...

I am SO sorry! I've tried calling Nyoka a few times! Hang in there and know that you are a WONDERFUL amazing mother who did EVERYTHING you could! I look up to you with SUCH hope for me and Sammi! Knowing you DID it gives me the willpower to keep trying! You ARE an inspiration and I will be praying for you all! I love you!